Friday, June 27, 2008

Hm--so that's what falling off the earth feels like.

So, about the 7-month absence. Everytime I started blogging, misery just bled all over the place. We each have enough misery in our lives, so why add mine to the stream? Anyway, I feel the need to blog today.

Of my two non-family best friends, one I talk to frequently, even if it's for five minutes. Because of our communication style over the years, phone conversation tends to function as the medium through which to arrange business. Even the years we've lived at great distances from each other, phone conversations never seem to be the mainstay of our relationship. Because of our schedules, etc., the other friend and I have marathon phone conversations. Four hours is just the tip of the iceberg, and neither of us know phone fatigue. With both friends, we seem to skim over the surface level conversation, and move straight on to what's really on our hearts. For example, on the phone with Friend B last night, we spent 3 hours discussing mutual friends, and what we perceive to be the splintering of our group.

Here's where I'm going (and thus the whole point of writing today). Since I've been in West TN, I haven't been happy. I've been comparatively more financially stable, more plugged into my family, and I finally FINALLY see some measurable progress in my job situation. When I decided to move here, these were all motivating factors. I was having a conversation with another friend of mine recently, who was facing a similar situation--the overwhelming need to move away from DC, but feeling trepidation about making a final decision. My advice to her, was that she would make the best decision she could make, and then make the best of the decision. I haven't done that, not really. I made the best decision I could make, and I stand by my decision. The reasons to move still stand--I had no money, I wanted to be nearer to the family, and the career opportunity was an unexpected boon. What I have failed to do many times is to make the best of the decision.

Part of what I've been doing, that I never should have, is telling myself that this is temporary and that one day, I can move wherever I want to--even back to DC. While this is technically true (and its quite possibly what I will do in a few years), it reflects a bad tendency to dwell on what was ideal in the past. I think of my friends, my job, my church family in DC, and I forget that I ever had any unhappiness connected to them. One very comforting thought I've harbored here, was knowing that all of my friends in DC were happy and doing well. And then I find out that they are not happy, not doing well, and not happy with each other. They seem to be content at letting themselves drift apart from one another. That group is beginning to divide both physically and emotionally. How can I dream about the day I can move back closer to them, when they won't be there? Last night I realized that I don't have an answer to that question, and that even though I may not have much to cling to here, I now have nothing to cling to there.

So, what am I going to cling to now? The thought is empty and bewildering.

1 comment:

Holly said...

The whole thing sucks and can be very strange. The whole growing-up-and-drifting-apart thing. I read something the other day about how hard it is to make (and keep) friends as we get older.

I, of course, was dealing with the same thing in west TN and was so thankful to have you there. I don't have any answers, but it's an honor to be Friend A. I look forward to seeing you tomorrow.